I went shopping for a skirt today. I ended up in a very empty store with an overly helpful store owner. She was a little tiny asian woman who made it her goal to make sure I found what I wanted. After letting me wander for an entire minute she asked "Are you looking for something in particular?" I told her what I was looking for but was pretty happy looking for myelf. She returned a minute later. Look over here. There were 3 skirts. I kept looking, making my way to the red section. I picked up a knee length red skirt and started picking out a blouse. "What about this one?" she asked, picking up a ruffly top. Oh no. I found something that might work and asked to try it on. She checked on me twice while I was in the dressing room. By now I was getting the jitters from too much attention.
This reminded me too much of going bra shopping in Japan. I was looking for a padded strapless bra. Not easy to find anywhere, much less in Japan. I asked a saleswoman for help and she asked what size. I told her, and she said "Oh not, you're much bigger than that". Yes, this was after I asked her for a padded bra. She showed me to the correct section and tried to hand me a C cup. I politely put it back and picked up the smallest size I could find. She gave me a nasty look and showed me to the dressing cube. It was just one little cube the size of a port-a-potty in the middle of the walkway between where the men's, women's, and children's section came together. No hallway or counter. Just this lonely little cube in the middle of the open floor. After giving me enough time to take my shirt and bra off she decided I didn't possibly know what I was doing and had to give me the larger bra. So she opened the door and handed it to me. And there I was stripped to the waist very literally in the middle of the store. And then she understood why a C cup was not appropriate. And so did every one else.
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I should have taken a personal day today. With the pressure at work having been relieved and my personal life a mess I just want to go for a run and take a bath with some brandy. Or go stalk someone until I have the answers I need.
When I was in Japan I had my palm read. I was told I would find the love of my life when I was 27. I was 22 at the time. Well, now I'm 27 and 3 months. Not that I believe in that stuff, but what if...? I seriously started to worry about this when I moved to CA. How would I fall in love in a new land? It had been years since I dated a stranger. Seriously, all of my old boyfriends had been friends for a few years before we started dating. And then I moved to Phoenix. And two years later I moved to CA. Now it's been 3 years since I had a boyfriend. And I'm 27.
I've also lived my life for the past three years denying that I need to fall in love to be happy. I know I can live a happy, productive life without it. But in all honestly, I enjoy life so much more when there is a prospect of being in a relationship. Maybe I truly do want to be in a relationship. But I get so hurt when I'm disappointed. This is why I am afraid to want it. I
was discussing this with my best friend and he suggested that maybe I already knew "the love of my life" but didn't realize it. Maybe he's right. The crazy thing is that I feel like I have decisions to make. It would be safe to play conservatively, but it would feed my hope that has yet to have enough supporting evidence. On the other hand, if I fail to respect the possibilities I could lose something that might be the one. Something I haven't thought about in years. I need more info. My best friend would tell me to trust my instincts. My instints tell me to do two different things. I have a history of making the wrong decisions. So maybe I should .......
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Last night I wondered if I was going to be able to sleep. I had a headache. It started about noon yesterday with a call from the bosses boss. 4 ibuprofen and 9 hours later, it hadn't dulled at all. It hurt to read. It hurt to listen to the radio. I considered sleeping in the bath again. But it didn't come to that. This morning I woke up fine. Early again, but fine. Until I got to work. And then the fog in my head rolled in. Trying to cut through the fog was starting to give me another headache. I considered just letting them know I'd be out tomorrow with a migraine. It's going a little better. The work stress is getting a little lighter. I'm starting to know the answers (of course, that's how I felt yesterday). I'll have to call this phase one of the "big boy" initiation. The first 9 months was all wining and dining. I guess now, it's time to get to work, and it's painful. I was told my predecessor got to this point and went in to hand in her resignation. She ended up getting a raise. Too bad I really like my job and would just end up looking for the same position. I like my job and I like the company and I love who I work with. So quitting because the training is painful just isn't an option. And until I finish training I can't really ask for a raise. So for now, I'll keep trudging on. The good thing about work being hard is that I enjoy coming home to my kids more each night. I've finally gotten over the anger at my ex for leaving me with such a huge responsibility and no life. So I guess you can say I thrive in conflict (not necessarily a healthy perspective - but we knew that). I did have an odd thought last night though. Why am I doing this to myself? Has the quality of my life really improved with this new position? It has been exciting, but I can't really answer positively to that. Shit! But maybe in a few years I can say yes. I hope so. It seems like it would. But only time will tell. Maybe someone more analytical should answer that for me.
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Paying for a screw up is painful business. Not only do you have to fix the problem and not do it again. You have to work extra hard to prove your value over again. It's harder than when everyone took you for your word. Mommy always said "you never want to lose someone's trust". And she's right. There's nothing you can say to make it better. You just have to fix the problem. The whole problem. So after working all weekend and getting up at 5 to start work this morning, I'm a bit tired. And to make it all not worth it, I haven't even heard from the person I worked so hard for. But I'm sure I just have to keep things up. Never slack. They don't pay me to slack. Things will get better.
Sometimes it's better to just cauterize a wound. Well, that's pretty much the only way I've found to deal with things. I'm sure it's tied into my whole compulsive obsessive nature. If I don't just burn the hell out of an issue I'm going to keep picking at it. It will always leave a scar, but it heals faster.
On another line of thought....I was filling out a form for my son's school regarding his ADHD. It had questions for all kinds of learning disorders. Along with the questions that applied to him like the 5 that asked "Does he have problems maintaining an attention span?" there were questions like "Is he impatient?" "Is he easily disappointed?" "Temper outbursts?" "Intrudes on other's converstations?" "Always on the go?" and "Excitable, implusive?" While none of these apply to him - I have to wonder.....what the hell is wrong with me?!:) Poor kid. I guess we should be grateful all he has in ADHD.
